Whilst a strong relationship is an excellent foundation for a coaching relationship, be aware of the pitfalls of having a relationship that’s too nice and cosy. A coaching relationship should bring about change, growth and progress for the coachee, however it is too common for these relationships to fall into a comfortable stalemate where no progress is made but they continue nevertheless.
Being agreeable is generally considered a positive trait, it enables people to have fun, harmonious relationships. However the purpose of coaching is more than that, so whilst it should feel like a safe place to discuss things openly, at times it should stop and make you think, make you feel confused or slightly uncomfortable – these are all routes to change.
Warning signs of a stalled coaching journey
These stalemates can happen for a number of reasons, but here are some of the warning signs to look out for:
- Too much casual chat: There’s too much casual ‘chat’ that’s not coaching related.
- Lack of challenge: Your coach too readily agrees with your perspective rather than challenging you. For example, you might say your boss is being mean. A good coach should challenge your perspective and explore what is happening and try to get a better understanding of the situation. If they just accept your view and look at ‘things you can do to cope with a mean boss’, they are being too agreeable.
- Seeking approval: They say and do things to make you like them. It’s fine for coaches to share personal stories, in the interest of providing a perspective, or normalising a difficult situation, but if you get the feeling they are trying to impress you, or create some kind of deeper bond with you, these are signals to pay attention to. Coaching should be about you, not them.
- Generic flattery: Your coach flatters you or says generic ego boosting statements. Providing encouraging feedback is an important part of coaching, but it should be specific to a skill or situations. If your coach keeps telling you how awesome and amazing you are, that is not usually a good sign.
- No new perspectives or strategies: You don’t come away from coaching with new perspectives or strategies to try out. Sometimes you just need to get something off your chest, but if you never have tangible take aways or actions, then maybe the coaching is becoming ineffective.
- Strategies aren’t working: Similar to the above point, things you do try don’t seem to work. There is always an element of trial and error, but if this is a pattern it’s a sign your coach is not adequately challenging your assessment of a situation.
- Lost sight of your goals: You’ve lost sight of why you attend coaching.
Taking action if coaching stalls
If this is happening to you don’t lose heart but do take action. Carrying on because you are scared of upsetting your coach is not only a waste of your precious time, but also a disservice to them. The first step is to talk to them about it. This doesn’t have to be difficult or confrontational. You could say:
- ‘I feel like I’m not getting the most out of coaching and I’d like to revisit it’ or
- ‘I don’t feel like I’m making the progress I should’ or
- ‘I’ve tried a lot of things that are not working, and I’d like to explore why this is’
If you have a good coach, they will be delighted to jump into this with you and work through it. If they dismiss your comment or reframe it, then maybe it’s time to move on.
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