Why it matters
One offhand comment, one critical remark in a meeting, and suddenly your week is derailed, replaying in your head at 2 a.m., colouring every interaction that follows. Left unchecked, a single piece of feedback can hijack your energy, your focus, and your relationships for days.
This hits people differently, depending on what drives them. If you’re wired to lead and take charge, bad feedback can feel like a threat to your authority and control, triggering defensiveness or an urge to “win” the conversation rather than hear it. If what drives you is excellence and personal growth, it can feel like proof of failure, spiralling into self-criticism that erodes your confidence. And if what matters most to you is connection and harmony, it can feel like rejection, a fear that the relationship itself is now at risk. Recognising which of these reactions is being triggered in you is the first step to not being ruled by it.
The process: receive, don’t react
- Listen. Resist the urge to interrupt, explain, or defend. Let the message land fully before your mind starts building a rebuttal. Most damage from feedback comes not from the words themselves, but from the internal narrative we construct while only half-listening.
- Ask for clarification: be curious, not furious. Instead of assuming intent, ask: “Can you give me a specific example?” or “Can you tell me more about what you observed?” Curiosity shifts you from a defensive stance to a learning one, and often reveals the feedback is narrower and more useful than your first emotional reaction suggested.
- Say thank you. Even when it stings. Thanking the person acknowledges their courage in speaking up and keeps the channel open for future honesty. It also buys you a moment to regulate your own reaction before responding further.
- Keep only what you need. Not all feedback is equally valid or actionable. Sort it: what’s useful information, and what’s noise reflecting the other person’s mood or perspective? Take the nugget that helps you grow, leave the rest.
What you gain
Master this process, and the payoff compounds. If leading is your driver, handling criticism with composure earns respect and expands your influence. If growth is your driver, you accelerate genuine self-improvement instead of just self-punishment. If connection is your driver, you strengthen collaboration, modelling the psychological safety that makes teams thrive. One piece of feedback, well received, becomes fuel, not a wasted week.
If you’d like to go deeper into the art of giving and receiving feedback, consider working with a coach, or pick up Becky Westwood’s book “Can I Offer You Something?“.
